Over the past three weeks I've heard a lot of the same words repeated to me, and some of them just make me laugh a little under my breath. For example: when people say "it's so inspiring to see how well you're holding yourself together" or "I'm so impressed by how strong your faith is." They don't make me chuckle because those kinds of things are funny, but more because of how untrue I find those words to be. Honestly, this is not what holding it together looks like, I wasn't given a choice, I didn't get to voice my opinion, and I would never choose this upon my worst enemy, this is not holding it together. Let's be real, everyone knows how much I love to voice my opinion, and I got no say. Secondly, my faith found me again on a Tuesday morning in a doctors office. And at the same time I tried to process that this kind stranger was diagnosing my daughter with advanced cancer, I was also trying to process how Jesus was going to accept me back into his life, or how I was going to bring Him back into my own life; because at that exact moment I knew the only way I would be able to carry Sloane through this was if Jesus was carrying me. So that was what had to happen. And here we are, 3 weeks later, holding it together, carrying each other, and being carried at the same time.
A good friend of mine who has been such a strong prayer warrior for Sloane sent me a blog article by Ann Voskamp a few days after Sloane's diagnosis. I feel like Ann is my new bff and I've only known her for three weeks. I wait for her daily blog to pop up in my gmail every morning and I find myself learning about so many new feelings. So many new, raw, emotions I never knew I would feel. I wanted to share a tidbit on 'hope' that really hit me hard.
Ann wrote "Hope is not the belief that things will turn out well, but the belief that God is working through all things, no matter how things turn out. And when we get karate kicked in the esophagus by life and it hurts to breathe, we will be the remembering people who retrace it slow again. How hope works: hope fiercely promises to meet us in hard things now-because we fiercely trust God's promise to make all things new. You see: Hope is a defiant reliance on God keeping His word. The winds and the days may rage and the blaze of things may leave you feeling charred, but now is the time for faith to rise like a phoenix from ashes and we will hold on to his word for all you're worth - because His word is what proves God is trustworthy. And when you know God is trustworthy, you know today is worthy of Hope. When your bones know God ultimately makes good on his promises - that's good enough reason for hope to burn in your bones. As long as you still are, all is not lost. Being is hope, and hope is presence, and this present moment is a gift pulsing with hope."
I mean, people, those are some powerful words, read it again and let it sink in. Do you get it? I do, and I feel it, all the way to my bones. Hope is so strong, and our God is so powerful.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is we're getting by with hope, and prayer and family and friends and love. On Thursday Sloane goes in to the Oncology clinic to get her labs checked. This is all routine as it is expected that her blood counts will drop in response to the chemotherapy. She's had a pretty good past couple of days, a mixture of playing and napping. Nighttime is still proving to have its struggles, she seems very restless overnight and we're hoping to get some answers on the restlessness on Thursday. There we go, hoping again. I've gone back to work this week and it's been more overwhelming than I thought. I love my job, I really love the people I work with, but I feel torn not being home. Austin has gone back to work also and we're both adjusting to our new schedules. We've got family and friends staying at our house with Sloane when I'm at work and we couldn't be more thankful for all of the help we've received. Audrey is doing great, we don't say the word cancer too much around her. She's become a professional hand washer and she plays with Sloane as if nothing is wrong. That's what we want at home, as much normal as possible. So for now I hope we have a boring week, I hope we can eat family dinners and be lazy at night and I hope that maybe we could even sleep through the night. I hope for a boring weekend, enjoying the simple joys of life with toddlers.
As always, a few prayer requests: Please pray for Austin and I, that we may adjust to juggling work and doctors appointments and hospitalizations. Please pray for our family as they continue to walk side by side through this journey with us. Please pray for Sloane, that her labs are stable and she doesn't need any transfusions on Thursday, please pray that her RSV clears up and please continue to pray for her little body as it fights so hard.
P.S. A dear family friend is having prayer cards made for Sloane, we will do our best to get them passed out to everyone so we can continue to pray together. ❤️
A good friend of mine who has been such a strong prayer warrior for Sloane sent me a blog article by Ann Voskamp a few days after Sloane's diagnosis. I feel like Ann is my new bff and I've only known her for three weeks. I wait for her daily blog to pop up in my gmail every morning and I find myself learning about so many new feelings. So many new, raw, emotions I never knew I would feel. I wanted to share a tidbit on 'hope' that really hit me hard.
Ann wrote "Hope is not the belief that things will turn out well, but the belief that God is working through all things, no matter how things turn out. And when we get karate kicked in the esophagus by life and it hurts to breathe, we will be the remembering people who retrace it slow again. How hope works: hope fiercely promises to meet us in hard things now-because we fiercely trust God's promise to make all things new. You see: Hope is a defiant reliance on God keeping His word. The winds and the days may rage and the blaze of things may leave you feeling charred, but now is the time for faith to rise like a phoenix from ashes and we will hold on to his word for all you're worth - because His word is what proves God is trustworthy. And when you know God is trustworthy, you know today is worthy of Hope. When your bones know God ultimately makes good on his promises - that's good enough reason for hope to burn in your bones. As long as you still are, all is not lost. Being is hope, and hope is presence, and this present moment is a gift pulsing with hope."
I mean, people, those are some powerful words, read it again and let it sink in. Do you get it? I do, and I feel it, all the way to my bones. Hope is so strong, and our God is so powerful.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is we're getting by with hope, and prayer and family and friends and love. On Thursday Sloane goes in to the Oncology clinic to get her labs checked. This is all routine as it is expected that her blood counts will drop in response to the chemotherapy. She's had a pretty good past couple of days, a mixture of playing and napping. Nighttime is still proving to have its struggles, she seems very restless overnight and we're hoping to get some answers on the restlessness on Thursday. There we go, hoping again. I've gone back to work this week and it's been more overwhelming than I thought. I love my job, I really love the people I work with, but I feel torn not being home. Austin has gone back to work also and we're both adjusting to our new schedules. We've got family and friends staying at our house with Sloane when I'm at work and we couldn't be more thankful for all of the help we've received. Audrey is doing great, we don't say the word cancer too much around her. She's become a professional hand washer and she plays with Sloane as if nothing is wrong. That's what we want at home, as much normal as possible. So for now I hope we have a boring week, I hope we can eat family dinners and be lazy at night and I hope that maybe we could even sleep through the night. I hope for a boring weekend, enjoying the simple joys of life with toddlers.
As always, a few prayer requests: Please pray for Austin and I, that we may adjust to juggling work and doctors appointments and hospitalizations. Please pray for our family as they continue to walk side by side through this journey with us. Please pray for Sloane, that her labs are stable and she doesn't need any transfusions on Thursday, please pray that her RSV clears up and please continue to pray for her little body as it fights so hard.
P.S. A dear family friend is having prayer cards made for Sloane, we will do our best to get them passed out to everyone so we can continue to pray together. ❤️
Powerful words. I'm hoping and praying with you. Hoping for rest and healing, good blood counts. Knowing God is with you and in you and He's working for His glory and your good. Love you Courtney. Do what you have to about work. We'd miss you but totally understand.
ReplyDeleteWow, that messeage touched my bones, and brovht back memories of when my oldest son was born with mutiple birth defects. My sister in law who i loved dearly said to me " im so glad this happened to you instead of me" i thought "how could you say such a horrible thing" then she finished her sentence. " you are so strong and can handle anything, i would never be able to handle what you are going through".
ReplyDeleteI was strong because if my baby was going to survive, it was because i was going to do everything in my power to help him. You never know how strong you are until you are forced to.
24 years later she found out how strong she was whe she lost her son to a gun accident.
The reason i wrote this is we never know how strong we are or how strong we can be till we are tested. Through it all as i was carrying Jimmy, Jesus was carrying me.