I remember a few things about the morning we went to Riley. 1) I woke up and curled my hair. 2) I did not want to be a frequent member of the Simon family member parking garage. 3) I remember the way the fellow couldn’t look us in the eye before she left the room to get Dr. Plager. I thought curling my hair would wake me up, slap me out of the nightmare that was the past 12 hours with google at my fingertips. I even tried makeup, only to be cried off in the next few hours. The parking garage led to the waiting room, and I didn’t want any part of it. There were so many kids, playing. And I just kept praying that my kid wouldn’t be one of them. For sake of privacy, we will just call her the fellow. She was kind and she was gentle. She didn’t talk much, she kept doing all these funny things to get Sloane to look certain ways, she kept repeating them and she was doing it to both eyes and that’s when we knew. We didn’t need Dr. Plager to tell us what we already knew. But she brought him i

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.” 1 Peter 1:6 I never knew how a person fought a battle such as a cancer diagnosis. I would look at them, I would take care of them, I would pray for them, but I never knew how they got from day to day. I never fully understood how life went on, how day to day tasks remained the same and still managed to get done. I never understood that the doctor appointments didn’t get easier, I never fully gripped the never ending emotional roller coaster they were on. I never really understood any of that, until this morning when I realized I am them. I am those people I’m praying for, I am the one still making to do lists and I am the one still holding my breath going in to every doctors appointment. I am the one protecting, understanding, crying, praying, and rejoicing, I don’t know how I got here, I didn’t know I was meant to make it to where I’m standing now. Sloane is in

It’s all very odd.  This life is so, so strange. It is so beautiful and so ugly all at the same time. It is so hard, and really so easy, all at once. It’s so very strange thinking about everything in one big picture. Do you ever do that?  Do you ever stop and catch yourself and think, like, does this really matter. Should that really make my blood boil? Do I have any “perspective”? What is going on here?  I mean, really, think about it, get some perspective and pause before reacting.  It’s seriously amazing how on November 20, 2017 I would have let a rude comment by a stranger set the tone for my whole day, maybe even my week!!! I’m not even kidding, cancer gave me perspective.  Sure, I still get worked up over things that don’t matter, sure, I still get my feelings hurt, I still over react.  But I can tell you my perspective is a lot more in check now compared to what is was.  I’m not trying to boast, trust me, I have very little to boast on.  But, there is a lot of beauty in a simpl

For those keeping track, I’ve learned two, rather hard, life lessons in the past eight months. First being- I should not go on vacation, secondly- I should not plan parties. But then again, God is bigger than me and I’m sure those things were placed very strategically. Rewind to yesterday when I posted on social media and asked you all to pray for calm hearts for Austin and I. Now come back to today and please, still pray. There’s got to be some truth behind a ‘mothers instinct.’ Call it what you choose, but I’ll call it that because of the reason I could hardly eat yesterday, the way I tossed in my sheets all night long, restless, unable to put my mind to rest. The reason I felt I was going to vomit about 6 minutes prior to Dr. Plager walking in to the recovery room. There’s never good news coming your way when a doctor closes the door behind him, pulls up a chair, and takes a deep breath. “Her right eye is really good, nothing new.  Her left eye is bad, really bad.”  And then it

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” I really like a routine.  I like a plan, I like an emergency exit in the back of my mind, I like knowing what is going on around me and I like planning for what is next.  I like a routine so much that for as long as I can remember I have washed my face, my hair, and my body in the exact same order, every single shower.  Now my goal here is not to label myself as having some obsessive tendencies, more of a goal to explain why I’m starting to have a hard time again. I’m not saying this time has been easy.  Austin and I have been through more trials in the past 6 months than we ever thought our marriage would withstand in 60 years.  If you would have asked me on November 21 what day I was looking most forward to, I’m pretty sure my immediate answer would have been “Sloane’s last day of chemo.”  I remember the feel

This has been a week, and I do not say that lightly.  I have seen with my eyes and heard with my ears things that are gut wrenching and heart breaking. Ann Voskamp’s daily blog came into my email today and I sat in a parking lot and let the tears fall for a couple reasons, one being it was real and honest and she always makes me cry, two being that she took the words from my mouth. She starts off describing the woman from Parkland with the ashen forehead that is making her way through all of social media.  I have seen that woman’s picture and it breaks my heart.  She then goes through the first few days of Lent and its happenings, including a friend diagnosed with cancer, a friends who’s baby passed away overnight, and a mass shooting at a high school in Parkland, Florida. Dear, God. “My shattered heart fuses with hers.  Where two or more are gathered in grief, never doubt that God was there first and He will be there long after the last have left. Lent isn’t only a season of subtrac

Faith is such a crazy ‘thing’.  It shows itself in so many different ways. If you google “what is faith” you get a couple straightforward answers... 1) complete trust or confidence in someone or something and 2) strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.  This is a pretty simple definition, but what I’ve felt lately is not simple. God is so big and this world is so cruel and so beautiful all at the same time and faith is so hard sometimes.  Does that make me weak? I come back to this question a lot.  I have such a hard time staying on the same page and it’s become very clear lately that faith gets harder the more it gets tested.  And to say I’ve been tested, is an understatement.  But then my faith kicks me right in the butt again and I feel found and at ease.  Faith is so crazy.  Another thing that has blown my mind lately is the power of prayer.  I cannot and will not ever stop speaking of the power of prayer.  Sloa