"T'was grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed."
I think a cancer diagnosis makes you more sensitive, in every meaning of the word, all senses involved. What I mean is that I'm feeling everything more deeply, more down into my bones. I really see the sunsets, I see the cloud patterns and I see through them. Every day the sky is different, it's a beautiful sight to see. I really hear way too well, I hear the words that aren't being spoken directly to me because people are afraid I'll crumble. I hear you speaking to me and I am really listening, very closely. My sense of smell is even heightened, either that or I'm just now paying attention. I've been lighting more candles than my husband has ever seen me light, and I made sure all the smells keep me calm. Human touch is a necessity. I never knew how much I actually needed that big hug, and everyone seems to squeeze me a little bit harder and a little bit longer and I'm okay with that for now. And I taste everything. I taste a lot of salt from my own tears, and I don't mind that.
Have I really gone 28 years of living and not actually feeling? Did Sloane getting diagnosed with cancer awaken my senses? Does that make sense? I feel so much. Sometimes the feelings become overwhelming and I can feel the anxiety start to creep into my skin. I've started to feel a lot when I'm driving in the car alone, I feel like thats become my safe spot where I tend to break down. That sounds funny, a safe spot to break down, in my car? But everyone tells me I have to let myself do it. There are so many reasons to keep it together but some days it feels really good to let myself fall apart. I think this is a natural phase of processing such a life altering diagnosis, for a child. I don't mean for this to sound negative, I do mostly feel at peace. I find comfort knowing that the same God who is working through me is also the same God wrapping his arms around Sloane. I find grace at the strangest of times and I try to fully embrace it. This is all new to me.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found, t'was blind but now I see."
Sloane is doing great, overall. She's still a toddler, she still fusses. Our biggest complaint right now is her lack of consistent sleep. The restlessness is not improving much. She loves to play and she loves to cuddle. God definitely knew what he was doing when he made Sloane such a good cuddler. I'm not handling the 'losing hair' side effect as well as I thought I would. It makes me mad that she has to lose her hair. We're trying to make it through Christmas before resorting to shaving it all off. Sloane had great lab results last Thursday. Thank you all for your prayers over the last week, we had our boring week and weekend as we were hopeful for. We hope the boredom continues through Christmas. We're looking forward to spending time with family and just being home. Sloane's next chemo is scheduled for December 28 and 29 at Riley, hopefully outpatient.
No surprise here, a few prayer requests. Please pray for our family, that we find peace and strength throughout the holidays. Please pray for some of my dear coworkers, struggles have been tossed their way and they need your prayers during this holiday season. Please pray for our Sloaney girl, that she may get the rest she needs for her little body to continue this fight. Please pray for Austin and I, often times we feel lost, please pray for guidance for us as we continue to do our best to parent our girls.
P.S. prayer cards are in and we are passing them out ❤️
How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed."
I think a cancer diagnosis makes you more sensitive, in every meaning of the word, all senses involved. What I mean is that I'm feeling everything more deeply, more down into my bones. I really see the sunsets, I see the cloud patterns and I see through them. Every day the sky is different, it's a beautiful sight to see. I really hear way too well, I hear the words that aren't being spoken directly to me because people are afraid I'll crumble. I hear you speaking to me and I am really listening, very closely. My sense of smell is even heightened, either that or I'm just now paying attention. I've been lighting more candles than my husband has ever seen me light, and I made sure all the smells keep me calm. Human touch is a necessity. I never knew how much I actually needed that big hug, and everyone seems to squeeze me a little bit harder and a little bit longer and I'm okay with that for now. And I taste everything. I taste a lot of salt from my own tears, and I don't mind that.
Have I really gone 28 years of living and not actually feeling? Did Sloane getting diagnosed with cancer awaken my senses? Does that make sense? I feel so much. Sometimes the feelings become overwhelming and I can feel the anxiety start to creep into my skin. I've started to feel a lot when I'm driving in the car alone, I feel like thats become my safe spot where I tend to break down. That sounds funny, a safe spot to break down, in my car? But everyone tells me I have to let myself do it. There are so many reasons to keep it together but some days it feels really good to let myself fall apart. I think this is a natural phase of processing such a life altering diagnosis, for a child. I don't mean for this to sound negative, I do mostly feel at peace. I find comfort knowing that the same God who is working through me is also the same God wrapping his arms around Sloane. I find grace at the strangest of times and I try to fully embrace it. This is all new to me.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found, t'was blind but now I see."
Sloane is doing great, overall. She's still a toddler, she still fusses. Our biggest complaint right now is her lack of consistent sleep. The restlessness is not improving much. She loves to play and she loves to cuddle. God definitely knew what he was doing when he made Sloane such a good cuddler. I'm not handling the 'losing hair' side effect as well as I thought I would. It makes me mad that she has to lose her hair. We're trying to make it through Christmas before resorting to shaving it all off. Sloane had great lab results last Thursday. Thank you all for your prayers over the last week, we had our boring week and weekend as we were hopeful for. We hope the boredom continues through Christmas. We're looking forward to spending time with family and just being home. Sloane's next chemo is scheduled for December 28 and 29 at Riley, hopefully outpatient.
No surprise here, a few prayer requests. Please pray for our family, that we find peace and strength throughout the holidays. Please pray for some of my dear coworkers, struggles have been tossed their way and they need your prayers during this holiday season. Please pray for our Sloaney girl, that she may get the rest she needs for her little body to continue this fight. Please pray for Austin and I, often times we feel lost, please pray for guidance for us as we continue to do our best to parent our girls.
P.S. prayer cards are in and we are passing them out ❤️
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