" The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,'  says my soul, Therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:22-24 What a humbling holidays we have had. It is truly mind blowing to stand here in my shoes and see all the generosity that has been thrown our way. For a lack of a better vocabulary, cancer really sucks. It is so easy for my mind to travel that direction and for tears to come because I do really hate cancer. I hate it for my daughter, and I hate it for everyone else who has to come in contact with it. I hate watching my family suffer because I know they are suffering right along with us. But as much as I hate all of this, I really love what I'm witnessing. A community that has totally come together in faith and prayer and love for us, for Sloane, and for all of our family. I do hope my family feels as lifted in prayer as Austin and I

" T'was grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace, my fears relieved.   How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed." I think a cancer diagnosis makes you more sensitive, in every meaning of the word, all senses involved. What I mean is that I'm feeling everything more deeply, more down into my bones.  I really see the sunsets, I see the cloud patterns and I see through them.  Every day the sky is different, it's a beautiful sight to see.  I really hear way too well, I hear the words that aren't being spoken directly to me because people are afraid I'll crumble.  I hear you speaking to me and I am really listening, very closely.  My sense of smell is even heightened, either that or I'm just now paying attention.  I've been lighting more candles than my husband has ever seen me light, and I made sure all the smells keep me calm.  Human touch is a necessity.  I never knew how much I actually needed that big hug, and everyone

Over the past three weeks I've heard a lot of the same words repeated to me, and some of them just make me laugh a little under my breath.  For example: when people say "it's so inspiring to see how well you're holding yourself together" or "I'm so impressed by how strong your faith is."  They don't make me chuckle because those kinds of things are funny, but more because of  how untrue I find those words to be.  Honestly, this is not what holding it together looks like, I wasn't given a choice, I didn't get to voice my opinion, and I would never choose this upon my worst enemy, this is not holding it together. Let's be real, everyone knows how much I love to voice my opinion, and I got no say. Secondly, my faith found me again on a Tuesday morning in a doctors office.  And at the same time I tried to process that this kind stranger was diagnosing my daughter with advanced cancer, I was also trying to process how Jesus was going to ac

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Phillipians 4:8 Think back to my first blog entry to my belief that certain people have been very carefully placed into my life to get me through this new journey I've found myself in.  Cue my "mom group."  I've seen God work in many ways, many I've ignored and many I've found wonderful. This is wonderful. Over a year ago, I got a message from a 'girl' who's baby I helped deliver asking if I would be interested in coming to a 'brunch' with a few other moms who had all recently had babies.  Meh, sure? I don't really like meeting new people and I don't really need any new friends, and I definitely don't want to talk to a bunch of new moms.  Doesn't she know I've done this before? I have a 3 yea

"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."  Luke 11 9-10 For those who do not know me, let me introduce myself.  I am Sloane's Grammy.  Being a Grammy is the best job in the world .... until one of these wee ones is sick.  To say that I have lived a lifetime in these past 11 days is an understatement.  It has been full of tears and laughter and sadness and joy.  I hang on to my faith.  I pray more and try to worry less.  I watch my daughter, Courtney, and my son-in-law, Austin, with careful eyes.  I want to be able to catch them if they falter.  I want to lift them up when they need it.  I want to laugh with them every chance we get. But the real reason I asked to write a blog post was to say THANK YOU .  Thank you to all of you for your love, your prayers, your emotional and financial su

What I learned in those first few hours, first few days, is that my body would keep going.  It took me a while to realize I was still breathing, my lungs just knew how to inhale and knew exactly when my mind needed a very slow exhale.  The clock kept ticking and the world kept moving.  I relearned this same lesson last night when Sloane's chemotherapy started.  I held that baby girl tight to my chest for 4 straight hours as she innocently slept away.  The nurses kept telling me how great she was doing and I'd let another tear fall and gently nod my head "thank you". Sloane had surgery yesterday morning to get her port placed and we got admitted to the oncology floor at Riley following surgery. She did great during and after surgery.  She is SO so strong. She will be receiving chemo every 4th week for 2 days at a time and for a total of 6 months. We met about 25 doctors and nurses and have loved every single one of them.  I can't say enough amazing things about t

God is GOOD is an understatement.  We spoke with Sloane's oncologist this morning.  The MRI showed no brain tumors and no optic nerve involvement.  Austin and I took a huge deep breath, that felt good. Unfortunately, her left eye is as advanced as the doctors originally thought.  We are awaiting staging for her right eye to determine further treatment.  The left eye will need to be removed, it will not be responsive to any type of chemotherapy and the retina is completely detached and basically covered in tumor.  The staging of her right eye will determine if she needs systemic chemotherapy or local chemotherapy (chemo injected into her eye).  We should know more this afternoon.  If the doctors feel that her right eye will need systemic chemo then we will proceed with a port placement hopefully this week.  I hope this all makes sense. Looking back and reflecting on this past week almost brings me to my knees.  God works in very mysterious and very timely ways.  He gave us such a

Happy Thanksgiving. It's an important time for each of us to take a moment and recognize how truly blessed we all are. We go through this life and have different experiences, some travel, some start a business, settle down, start a family, etc. that's the beauty of the lives we have you can be and do whatever you want, create your own story. My life changed two days ago. My beautiful, vibrant, outgoing 15month old daughter Sloane was diagnosed with cancer. That word sucks. Fuck Cancer. It's changed our whole lives and I know it's just getting started. It's hard, I now have to ask my wife to do more than the Wonder Woman shit she already does on a daily basis, promote my oldest daughter Audrey to CBS (Chief Big Sis) and make sure she knows how critical she is to this whole process. As private as I tend to be, I have to call on people and expect them to just listen while I sob, because they know I won't do it around the girls (as much as I can). I don't k

I'm not much of a writer and my mind has been all over the map in the past 24 hours. Yesterday was the hardest day of our lives, to date. One cannot be prepared to sit in a doctors office and be told their child has Cancer. Our child? Our sweet spunky 15 month old has cancer? The pit in my stomach is real? Can you start over? I'm suffocating, we're suffocating. Oh please, God. But there's medicine, and chemotherapy, and really intelligent well practiced physicians. And there was a lot more said and only a little retained. Yesterday was a really really hard and long day.  Sloane was diagnosed with bilateral retinoblastomas, also known as cancerous tumors in both eyes. She will be having an MRI under anesthesia on Friday morning to rule out a tumor in her brain. She will then have surgery to get a port placed in her chest for 6-8 months of systemic chemotherapy. Surgery will follow the chemo and her eyes will be followed closely. We became a part of the Riley Family ye