Faith

Faith is such a crazy ‘thing’.  It shows itself in so many different ways. If you google “what is faith” you get a couple straightforward answers... 1) complete trust or confidence in someone or something and 2) strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.  This is a pretty simple definition, but what I’ve felt lately is not simple. God is so big and this world is so cruel and so beautiful all at the same time and faith is so hard sometimes.  Does that make me weak? I come back to this question a lot.  I have such a hard time staying on the same page and it’s become very clear lately that faith gets harder the more it gets tested.  And to say I’ve been tested, is an understatement.  But then my faith kicks me right in the butt again and I feel found and at ease.  Faith is so crazy. 

Another thing that has blown my mind lately is the power of prayer.  I cannot and will not ever stop speaking of the power of prayer.  Sloane had her first Eye Exam under Anesthesia this past Tuesday and we felt the grace of God all around us.  As our ophthalmologist said, “this is as good as we hoped it could be.”  Sloane has stage d cancer in both eyes, left eye more complicated than right eye.  We received the news that the systemic chemo is working to shrink the major tumors that are hugging her optic nerves in both eyes.  Her right eye had a tumor in the peripheral part of eye and then a segment of questionable micro tumors and cryotherapy was done to these tumors.  Those frozen tumors should turn to scar tissue and cause no more problems. This was all great news.  We still have a long way to go with getting rid of the large tumors and we are not sure what her vision will look like but that’s why we will keep praying.  Her next eye exam will be after her 4th round of chemo.  Sloane has been neutropenic since her second round of chemo but honestly you can not tell by how she is acting.  She’s been a happy girl 95% of the time, and the other 5% we’ll chalk up to being a toddler.  We’ve kept ourselves a little isolated because of this flu that’s traveling at a quick speed and we are so thankful to our family and friends who 
have been respectful to us because of this.  We also learned a couple weeks ago that Sloane is positive for the RB1 gene mutation which we knew was a strong likelihood.  This information does not change her current treatment but it will be something that we will pray about for all her years to come.  Austin, Audrey and I will be undergoing genetic testing as well. 

Here’s a little tidbit, written by Ann Voskamp, read and think and then reread.

Ann writes, “Imagine if each time you had the urge to text, tweet, email, log onto Facebook, or phone a friend to share some heartfelt need, you stopped and prayed instead.  Really prayed, trusting God to answer.  That’s faith.  Asking and believing in the same breath, then waiting and trusting in the next, knowing God responds to his children individually.  He not only listens to us, he loves us.  He not only loves us, he knows what is best for us.”

This is more along the lines of my definition of faith, of what I’ve found it to mean for me in the past couple months.  My moments of weakness come very frequently but it is true that I have never prayed so much, never prayed so hard ever, in my whole life.  I think that’s where the peace is coming from.  I have a long way to go with my faith and strengthening it, but I know I’ve got a lot of people wrapping me in their prayers and I’m forever grateful for that.  

Please pray for Sloane’s upcoming round of chemotherapy, pray for minimal side effects and a good hearing test.  Please pray for Austin and I, stress and sleep deprivation have become our new normal, please pray we continue to lean on each other to keep pushing through.  Please pray for Audrey, her inquisitive mind has started asking more questions yet she remains such a strong big sis.  

St Lucy, pray for us.
Blessed Father Solanus Casey, pray for us.